milkweeds

how many things are making me sad right now?
i think i'm doing such a good job at faking that i can't even tell.

its fall and its the best time to drive around with the windows down and sweaters on and jack johnson blasting. but i am too tired to enjoy anything. tired to the point where i almost feel drunk and delusional. i lose my balance and run into things and stumble and stutter. i need sleep. a good night's and day's rest.

i'm looking for sleep & rest.
have any of you seen him?

i feel like i've run out of adequate words to describe anything.

(27 Aug 2005 | 09:55pm) sometimes he makes me feel so broken inside. everything is so sugar-coated for everyone else. but underneath the sweet-tasting candy-coating it's rotten and heartbreaking. it contains the power to make me feel weak and vulnerable, ugly and sad, troubled and broken, even revolting. but no one sees this. i can't let anyone see this. i pass days and weeks and months with forced smiles and high-fives. inside i'm scratching and begging and digging to get out, to be free of this. but that is unrealistic. i need this. i need him. i can't do anything without him. those moments where he makes me feel infinite and beautiful are too much to give up. it gives me hope. i cling on tightly to this hope. everyday its weakened. and everyday its reinforced with scotch-tape. and some day it'll happen, it'll give up.

just like me.




(11 October 2005 | 09:42pm) atleast then i felt something. even if it was emptiness and the fact that i had no control over anything and i was helpless. atleast i had those feelings. now it seems as if i live for nothing. i am nothing. i need something to hang on to.

in a pickle.

deero c k 987: this is random, but you know what i was thinking about today at school?
deero c k 987: i think we're the most random combination of friends ever
electrick bebe: no i don't, pleas tell me
electrick bebe: why?
deero c k 987: let alone best friend/best friend
deero c k 987: just because, if you put me you and a lineup of like 5 other people in a room
deero c k 987: and asked a stranger to pick out who the best friend / best friend were
deero c k 987: i think we'd be dead last lol
electrick bebe: lol
electrick bebe: i guess so
deero c k 987: really, think about it
deero c k 987: i think we're a statistical improbability
deero c k 987: i know you love to fake whine and i normally wanna smash in skulls when people talk like that but i dont mind when you do, in fact it makes me laugh
electrick bebe: :-D
deero c k 987: i dunno, i'm a closed book and you're more of an open book
deero c k 987: in fact, i'm a closed book in sanskrit
deero c k 987: i'm cool, you're not
deero c k 987: i'm awesome, you're far from it
deero c k 987: i can talk when you're making lists and not reading what i'm saying as much, you don't know i'm saying any of this hehehe
electrick bebe: :-P
electrick bebe: no i read all of that
electrick bebe: and i'm not making lists i'm drooling over clothes at freepeople.com
electrick bebe: :-)
electrick bebe: i guess ultimately from the outside we are a weird combination.
electrick bebe: but i think we have similarities that people dont' see just cause i come off as a huge ditzy idiot to everyone but really .. i'm not? atleast i hope you dont think i really am
deero c k 987: nooo, i don't
deero c k 987: i've never called you a ditzy idiot!
electrick bebe: i know you didn't
electrick bebe: but i know i come across as one



....



electrick bebe: i am a night person
electrick bebe: and a day person but a night person
deero c k 987: thats the problem, i'm both too
deero c k 987: so i pull off both well but they both suffer
electrick bebe: lol yeah
electrick bebe: see, similarities!
deero c k 987: of course we have similarities, we just keep them unobvious and fairly well hidden
electrick bebe: good
electrick bebe: stupid public

i have amazing friends, the end. ♥

i liked collecting leaves.

i can never come to terms with the words i'm looking for, not even my feelings.

i can't decide if i should pursue this or not. i mean, if something went wrong everything would be thrown away. nothing could be salvaged. i don't know if that'd be my fault or the other participants. either way i can't decide.

i hate silence, it stings my eyes and i can't find my sunglasses.
i feel like i'm swimming in a big fish bowl and i'm searching for something. i know i'm swimming with reason. i just can't seem to find it or them. or whatever it is i'm searching for.

maybe for me?
but why is me hiding?

my entire body, insides and all, shake furiously when i cough, in result i feel like i am a giant black and blue under my skin. i wake up to my sheets sticking to my skin, sweat pooling on my neck and the back of my knees, my hair knatty and damp. i finally peel off the sheets only to start shivering and wishing for warmth again. i toss and turn for a couple hours and inbetween fits of violent coughing i manage to fall asleep for no more than 5 minutes at a time.

however, my face is coming back to life & i don't look so dead.

i have a strong desire that i cannot achieve.









f.
fail.
failure.

he said i'd destroy the concept of love and i replied "sometimes, love fucking hurts" and then i realized - maybe it isn't love anymore. and he said "so do car accidents, but shit happens."

you make so much fucking sense, i don't understand it. you're amazing with words. but sometimes they make so much sense, its too intense, too honest, too truthful, for me to handle. so i turn my cheek and pretend you never said it. even though i know you did. i take everything you say and save it.


in his words, i'm "driving a camaro in a blizzard."
and i would never be able to place it better than that.

i am drunk.
but not thoughtless or careless.

i wish i was numb.

nights like this are good for cellphone calls, windows down, & music blaring as you zoom down route 28 at 75mph. just so long as the music is happy and not anything to make you more upset than you are, nothing to make you think. no checking your voicemails, no calling him back, no answering when he calls. strictly letting yourself become one with the night air whipping at your face as you pass by other drivers and wonder what they're doing, where they're going & why. maybe they're stuck in a rut like you are? maybe the exact same rut as you, only different people in different places. imagine that - you could be driving next to the person who holds the answers to your questions.



i really want to be drunk and thoughtless and careless.

falling for the creep the body leech here he comes
vicious hypnosis, a clenched fist saying it's wrong
to want more than a folk song
underneath the shaker knit he's a brick wall
she keep falling for the trick vegetariate sing-along
give a little kick with your fine thigh high

doo-doo-doo we're on to you
tearing her down, talking her down under your breath
making a mess, see she is happy you wanna break it

doo-doo-doo we're on to you
tearing her down, talking her down under your breath
making a mess, see she is happy you wanna break it

doo-doo-doo we're on to you
your phony roots, borrowed guitar
telling her what to think we are
you the number one wet blanket
hardly a day goes by you don't try to break down
no i don't buy it
you're still around i wonder why
she just keep...

falling for the creep the body leech here he comes
vicious hypnosis, a clenched fist saying it's wrong
to want more than a folk song
underneath the shaker knit he's a brick wall
she keep falling for the creep
the body leech coming on
vicious hypnosis, clenched fist saying
it's wrong to want more than a folk song
i'm wrong to want more than a folk song
i'm wrong to want more than a folk song
underneath the shaker knit he's a brick wall
she keep falling for the trick vegetariate sing-along
give a little kick with your fine thigh high

doo-doo-doo

doo-doo-doo we're on to you
tearing her down, talking her down under your breath
making a mess, see she is happy you wanna break it

doo-doo-doo we're on to you
your bathing suit, borrowed guitar
telling her what to think we are
you the number one wet blanket
you're still around i wonder why
you the number one wet blanket

"you'll never believe me so why don't you find out for yourself
then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass
bad seeds come and go for which you must allow
sick down to my heart that's just the way it goes"

i am equivilent to nothing.
i'm trying too hard to be equivilent to everything.
i'm trying too hard to be what everyone wants.
i'm trying too hard and i'm losing myself.
i am equivilient to nothing.

i hope you still love me.



i want:
to be wonderful.
to be wonderful at photography.
to be wonderful at being a friend.
to be wonderful at life.
to be wonderful.

oh, and beautiful.

i want such rediculous things; but these things, they're so important to me.